SA Assignment - Religious SB
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| Vivian Elizabeth Marquez de la Garza. Photo by: Dennis Lay. April 2017 |
Religious SB/ Religious SD
When sharing personal information about yourself with a potential SD, or with your SD when in an arrangement, it is essential to be clear on your privacy-boundary limits. Because this subject tends to raise deeply rooted personality beliefs, this post aims to help you navigate the conversation. Remember that sharing this part of your life may turn into a challenge of beliefs between the two of you.
Where does religion fit, if at all, in a SBs life?
Religious beliefs and religious practices are two different subjects. I have plenty of friends who are of Jewish heritage that will only consider dating someone with the same religious background, but do not want to be dragged every week to Shabbat.
There is the Catholic guilt and shame that is served at every service, ripe and hot, read to scold anyone who dares attend. (I was raised Catholic. I know a thing or two about this) And there are the many branches of Christianity, with all of their itsy bitsy differences that make them “very different” from each other.
Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, and any other variety of spiritual awareness, which includes the Goddess worship, all of these beliefs come to play out at some point during a SD/SB relationship.
Unless you’re an atheist, and even then, religious belief may come up during normal conversation or during the arrangement itself. So, as a SB, having some background on how to handle the religious SB conversation is helpful.
Religion influences our personalities
Depending on your specific upbringing, this specific subject is bound to have influenced your personality to a larger degree than you think. For example, I have a friend whose religious upbringing prohibited any type of dancing. Her current SD is an avid Country Western, 2-step dancer. She turned to taking dance lessons and has conflicted feelings about revealing why she’s never danced before in her life.
During a dinner outing, I place my order and excuse myself to the restroom to wash my hands prior to touching my silverware. I make a silly gesture with both of my hands, wiggling my fingers in front of my face as i explain where i am going. While in the restroom, I wash my hands and say, “Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech ha'olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav v sivanu al netilat yadayim.” This is an old habit from my 3.5 years studying at the Kabbalah Center in NYC.
When i return, iIf there is bread on the table, I take a small piece. When the food arrives I take my time reaching for my silverware and I adjust my napkin. This gives me enough time to give thanks for my meal and the people with whom I am sharing the meal.
At some point in the future, or in some cases during the very first dinner, someone at the table notices that I am praying over my food. The conversation begins. While many people may not have my level of commitment to blessing their food before eating, what if your potential SD does?
Is it okay to be open about this part of your life with your SD?
With someone who is very new to my life, I joke about the few words in Hebrew that I know and try to softly change the subject to my passion for how religion has influenced all societies in history. Sometimes the laughter breaks the ice and the heavy subject is dropped. Other times, some SDs who are quite intellectuals in the matter, delve into their personal religious beliefs and how those beliefs have shaped their lives, either as a positive or not so positive early childhood exposure.
As a writer, I have a passion for people. I love to ask what makes people who they are and I am fascinated to find out what influences people to become who they are. Because I am very comfortable asking questions and letting the conversation flow with the unique content of each talk, I luck out (most of the time) in not speaking much about myself.
Challenging beliefs – do not touch, hot!
Rational thinking, common sense, and facts are all elements that seem to be missing very often from a religious conversation. The subject is mostly based on emotion and tainted by personal childhood experiences.
Privacy and boundaries
When having this conversation, I tend to stay away from any serious, in-depth topics that reveal too much about my personal relationship with my God. These conversations tend to lead to challenging someone’s hard held beliefs. A new SB/SD relationship may not be the best "ground" for these heavy duty topics.
However, should the arrangement turn into a serious relationship, then I would agree that the subject deserves your full attention to share, but before this step has been taken, there is no need to delve too in-depth into the subject.
Your privacy and boundaries on subjects like religion, your children, and your family are best shared as short facts and not to elaborate, until there is a serious commitment.
Conversational quotes about religion and politics
The next section has a compilation of quotes, mostly from Mark Twain, regarding politics and beliefs. If your SD has invited you to a political event or to another type of gathering where the religion subject comes up, these quotes come in handy to deflect such conversation in a fun and lady-like manner.
My personal favorite way to handle the subject is to bring up one of these quotes that links religion and politics. After a good laugh, I begin asking questions regarding the latest political scandals. (Being up to date on news is helpful) Everyone in the room has an opinion about the political scene on the news.
QUOTES – Enjoy!
"It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled." –Mark Twain
"God created war so that Americans would learn geography." –Mark Twain
"A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes." –Mark Twain
"I am quite sure now that often, very often, in matters concerning religion and politics a man's reasoning powers are not above the monkey's." –Mark Twain
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." –Mark Twain
"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help?" –Mark Twain
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." –Mark Twain
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." –Mark Twain
"If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed." –Mark Twain
"It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either." –Mark Twain
"I would rather have my ignorance than another man's knowledge, because I have so much more of it." –Mark Twain
Those who believe religion and politics aren't connected don't understand either.
Mahatma Gandhi
Those who believe that politics and religion do not mix, understand neither.
Albert Einstein
As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?
Stephen King
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
Mahatma Gandhi
Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.
Napoleon Bonaparte
I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
Susan B. Anthony
In religion and politics people’s beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination, from authorities who have not themselves examined the questions at issue but have taken them at second-hand from other non-examiners, whose opinions about them were not worth a brass farthing.
Mark Twian
What does it all mean?
Sharing and communicating preferences and beliefs is a wonderful way to bond and bring people together. Choosing the timing that best pin points when both involved are open to discuss these issues, that may be more of a challenge than the subject itself. Otherwise, sharing too soon, or sharing information that the other party is not ready to discuss may feel like an invasion of privacy. I hope that the information in this post coupled with the quotes within will help you navigate such a tender subject with your potential SD, during your arrangement, or during an event when you’re out with your SD.
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